I think when God was creating me – I made it through the production line without getting a filter. Random thoughts (that I’m sure everyone has) make their way out of my mouth without the necessary checkpoint (or filter) which would keep me and the others around me from feeling very uncomfortable.

Imagine Tiny Thera saying, "I'm soooo HORNY!"

This lack of a filter has always kept me from doing my due diligence on the meaning of words before using them in every day language.

For example:

Age 6. My mom is having a dinner party with some girlfriends. I was asked to play in my room and leave them alone. I can’t remember exactly – but I did something “evil” in my mind — so my snaggle toothed, freckle-faced, scrawny ass comes out to the kitchen and says, “I’m so HORNY!!”

Yes, I thought “horny” meant “evil/devil horns.” My mom tried to escort me out of the room as she politely explained to her dinner guests that her 6 year old must be mistaken about being horny.

Another example:

Keeping young girls abstinent since 1909

6th grade. Headgear and bionator. (For your reference and amusement, a Bionator is a double retainer  that covers the surface of both the upper and lower teeth and is held in place when the patient moves their lower jaw forward to bite into it.  For maximum benefit, it needs to be worn for 14 hours/day for several months until the overbite is reduced.)

Anyway – I’m in a 6th grade quiz bowl. The teacher calls out the definition and the students have buzzers (for their team) and they call out the vocabulary word. We’re in the finals – and the last definition is announced for the win. The teacher says, “A Spasm. A fit of rage.”

Thera thinks for a split second and without pausing hits the buzzer and shouts, “AN ORGASM!” (with a lisp — remember, I’m wearing a bionator and headgear). The class falls apart. The teacher’s face turns bright red.

Apparently the answer was “Convulsion.”

I thought an orgasm was when you just started shaking or spasming. I’m pretty sure I picked this up from an episode of the Golden Girls.

Another example:

The other day. My friend Sami says, “My friend Melissa is sooooo innocent. We were joking around the other day and said “motorboating” during a joke — and she DIDN’T even know what that MEANT!” My response, “Oh, my! Silliness!”

Later that day: I go onto Urban Dictionary (.com) and look up the meaning of motorboating.

Aaah — the life of a badass.

I need to redeem myself tonight.