I went to my dentist today to have my root canal fixed.

If you’ve ever seen me in a club, or maybe at a theme park attraction, or the Halloween store — any place with a Black Light — you’ll notice that one of my front teeth does not shine. Several years ago I had a tooth that died (from the Bionator headgear experience) and I had to have it replaced with a fake tooth. This tooth, as of the past 2 years or so, has started to reposition crookedly in my grill. My dentist suggested that I really didn’t need braces – but instead have that tooth reset so that my teeth would appear straight again.

While waiting for the doc, I fell asleep in the dental chair. I wake up to hearing Dr. Farrell say, “You don’t look very badass right now.”

To reclaim my coolness, I responded sleepily with, “Only badasses can fall asleep in public places of torture. AND speaking of badass, I’ve put a lot of thought into this: I’d like you to replace my root canal tooth with a gold one. Preferably one with a $ sign etched on the front.”

Dr. Farrell says: “You totally could NOT pull that off. You’re wearing a polo and Sperry’s.”

Me: “Badasses can do whatever the f*** they want. I can definitely pull it off.”

Dentist: “Suuuure.”

Then Dr. Farrell turns to the assistant and says, “No Novocaine for this badass.”

And then he proceeded to take a sledge hammer and knock my old fake tooth out.

Okayyyy…. it was a drill type thingy…. but I definitely felt and SMELLED porcelain flying everywhere… and he didn’t numb it at all.

So – after they did all of the putty molds, etc. etc. — they sit me up and say, “your real tooth will be here in about 2 weeks.” THEN the doctor says, “I really don’t want to give you the hand mirror. We use the same color temporary tooth for everyone… so this one does not match the whiteness of your other teeth…”

He slowly passes me the mirror. I look. It basically IS A GOLD TOOTH… but more yellow than hip, rap star gold.

So, for the next two weeks I have a temporary yellow tooth.

Badass.